Classified Ads

Originally published in Mad Scientist Journal

SERVICES:

Cleansweeps Laundromat. Open twenty-four hours, especially at night. Guaranteed completely confidential. No questions asked. Will accept: bloody and burnt clothes, radioactive overalls, bio-hazardous socks, shrouds, flippers, and items that other Laundromats keep sending back. (Please be sure to dispose of unwanted cadavers — dead or animated — before entering Cleansweeps. There is a skip round the back. Hint, hint, hint.)

Messrs. Jekyll and Hyde present BIFURCATION JUICE. Are you tired of your dark side constantly growling at you in the mirror? Fed up of being woken at two in the morning by your wife, to find that you are gnawing on the leg of next-door’s dog yet again? Tired of your other self hurling insults at passers-by? Then this is the tincture for you! Two in every one people would buy this product. Buy one, get one FREE!

PRODUCTS:

ALL NEW! White Musk. Smells like penguin’s breath, crisp winter skies and narwhal droppings. The only aftershave available for abominable snowmen. Guaranteed to hold partially frozen water droplets together. Get it or melt. And die.